Sometimes when I say “I’m okay”, I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight, and say, “I know you’re not.”
It was one fine night, but I still couldn’t sleep. I kept flipping right and left on my bed, tried to shake the fear and sadness away, but I just couldn’t.
I glanced towards my cellphone. It was almost 1 am. My whole family was asleep. My sister who shared a room with me had slept since hours ago. She must be really tired after the whole extra classes for her final exams.
Bismillah,
Secara tidak sengaja judul postnya mirip-mirip judul film yang memunculkan shipper Iqbaal-Vanesha bak jamur wkwk~
Buat yang ngefollow IG saya (ciyee berasa femes) mungkin aware kalau 3 minggu yang lalu saya dan keluarga sedang liburan aka mudik ke Jakarta (Bekasi deng). Anak-anak sedang Sommerferien (trans: liburan musim panas) dan kami sudah 1.5 tahun tidak mudik — jadi ya sekalian saja 🌴
Being a mother of two is tough – and sometimes challenging. Most of my days are spent on being a referee and deciding what words I can say that will make everything’s fair for everyone. Some of those days were easy and smooth-sailing while the others were .. difficult and I needed to calm my head down before even spoke to two of them.
I admit, being the eldest sibling has shaped my expectation towards my own eldest – Z. I expect him to be the one who guided his younger brother. I instill towards him every day, that he’s the older brother, that there are boundaries and lines that he should follow. That no matter what M does, Z must be there to guide him.
I know what a burden it is for him – but I keep pressing on although sometimes it can break my heart.
I had spent countless nights worrying if I spoke too harsh to Z or if there’s anything that I can do to make the situation better for him. To let him know that I still love him the same. To let him know that I love him even more whenever I see him trying to be a better brother for M.
***
Our sleeping arrangement hasn’t changed since M was born. Z sleeps with his Papa and I sleep with M – mainly because M is still nursing to sleep and weaning him has been unsuccessful. I don’t want to wean him by force or trick so there’s that.
Last night, Z was so tired so he was laying on my bed while waiting for his Papa to finish Isya. M was still busy with brushing his teeth so I figured I would snuggle with Z – something that we rarely do these days.
I put a blanket over him and told him, “Do you want to snuggle with Mama?”
Sleepily, he said yes. I reached out for his head and hugged him slowly.
Before drifting to sleep, he asked me in low voice, “Mama, why didn’t we do this sooner?”
And my tears fell down. My boy – my baby.
“Anytime you want a snuggle, you can always ask me, Abang. All the snuggles in the world for you.”
He nodded before finally closing his eyes.
I hoped he knows – not only snuggles that I would give for him. All my love – all my life.
You are the love of my life.
Everything I have and everything I am is yours.
Forever.
– Barney Stinson, HIMYM
Bismillah,
Nggak terasa tiba-tiba udah bulan April – dan udah sebulan juga bolos nulis blog, hehehe. Ga ada alasan lain selain it was some sort of a March Madness. Masa-masa penutupan kuarter pertama berarti saya berpacu dengan waktu untuk menyelesaikan projects baik di kantor ataupun personal.
Anyway, now that that’s over, dan saya bisa bernapas sejenak sebelum memulai kuarter baru – kebetulan #1m1c bikin minggu tema yang so close to my heart. Sekalian bernostalgia, haha.